By Zacharia Kanyonyozi
Photos: YouTube Screenshots\Wikimedia Commons
Uganda’s Speaker Anita Annet Among is fabulously consistent. As one of Uganda’s top politicians and a key architect of the country’s bedroom gazing anti-gay law, she is unromantically attached to boy-meets-girl narratives.
Also, when those bizarre anti-corruption crusaders claimed that she was misusing public funds, she had one question: “Bambi, where is the love?”
Let us not forget that although the word “bambi” is a delicately expressed term of endearment. Bambi is also a 1942 American animated drama film produced by Walt Disney Productions.
According to its plotline, Bambi is a young fawn who is chosen to become the next prince of the forest like his father. While living in the forest, he learns about friendship, love and how to protect his near and dear ones.
So, by Bambi’s very existence, love should be the answer to the Speaker’s plaintive question. Instead, love seems to be missing from the riot act read to all corrupt politicians by those misguided anti-corruption crusaders.
The Speaker believes the crusaders are loveless and lovelorn because “homosexuals” are behind allegations that she directed parliamentary staff to make sure that corruption is top on their list of key performance indicators.
In a parliamentary session not long ago, the artificially-hued Speaker went Ballistic like that famous bar in Ntinda and declared: “I will never give you an answer on hearsay, or rumour-mongering. Me to answer you on hearsay, on things you have cooked up on social media because I have said no to BLEEP?”
Sorry, we had to censor the Speaker because her remarks connected the word ‘bum’ with the Samuel Jackson action movie called “Shaft”.
It is a good movie, bambi.
Anyway, to clear her head and heart, the Speaker decided to check out the Pope a month ago. Yeah, you know the one who likes wearing a religious white habit and crossing himself slowly every time he greets people.
Yes, that one.
It is this same religious leader who, with five words, uttered right at the beginning of his pontificate, changed the Catholic conversation about LGBTQ+ people.
In 2013, when asked by a journalist about gay priests, the pope famously replied: “Who am I to judge?”
His decision to authorize the blessings of same-sex couples rocked the church. Some say that the church has hit rock bottom. But we had agreed not to talk about hindquarters, regardless of how rock-solid they are.
So the Speaker, in her infinite wisdom, decided to seek prayers from the same person who refuses to judge gay people in hopes that her own judgement of gay people shall be blessed.
Oh yes, the Speaker recently had a private audience with the Pope in the Vatican, where she was able to put the “dear” into Bukedea.
Instead of feeling this love, bambi, her critics were up in arms. The broke critics were up in ‘alms’, though.
Anyway, the critics said she “can’t” do this. Indeed, they forgot that the Vatican is the Vatican and not the Vati-can’t.
That is why the Speaker is known to make annual pilgrimages to the Vatican to commune with the Holy Father, in whom she has always sought refuge from her misguided enemies.
Every trip to the Vatican by the Speaker, it has been reported, is filled to overflowing with “Yenom” spelled backwards.
And she carries a lot of that Yenom.
Some critics say the gay people are usually standing next to the Pope when the Yenom arrives.
It is this same Yenom that is used to spread venom about the Speaker. So, by inference, we could conclude that the Speaker is funding the attacks on her own office!
It is like she is cutting off her nose to spite her face. But who nose, I meant knows, this could help cure corruption in Uganda.
That’s because when corruption comes in contact with the church, it is turned away.
An Italian bishop once said he returned a 10,000 euro donation for a damaged church, after finding out that the money came from the ‘Ndrangheta clan, which controls the biggest share of Europe’s cocaine trade.
So if the Pope can return the Speaker’s offertory to the Speaker via the gay community, that money can be used to defeat corruption in Uganda, bambi.
