The word minion is a noun – and is defined as “a subordinate”, or “petty official.” Some folks in these parts might consider me a minion to/for President Obama. I simply refer to those people as wrong. But I digress! Here’s a question for you. What does the field of 2016 Republican presidential candidates have in common with the stars of the brand new animated film “Minions”? Please allow me to count the ways. One: like the Minions, the GOP presidential candidates speak a language the vast majority of Americans don’t understand. Two: like the Minions, the 2016 presidential hopefuls have ideas which are destructive – unintentionally destructive, yes – but destructive nevertheless. Three: like our short, yellow friends, the Republican candidates for the Oval Office are good guys pretending to be bad guys pretending to be good guys. Four: the GOPers with designs on occupying the White House are ultra-competitive – quite similar to their fictional counterparts. Five: both groups love drama. Six: there is seemingly one million members of both groups. Seven: like the Minions, the 2016 Republican presidential candidates are a barrel of laughs. They crack me up. Seriously.
Before I continue, please allow me to insert this little disclaimer. I love the Minions. I also happen to love every single one of the Republicans vying to be our next American president – even though I’d rather drink a dozen 2-liter bottles of Mentos-infused Coke sequentially rather than vote for any of them. When I compare the candidates to the Minions, it isn’t done to make fun of these politicians or to deny their intelligence. Be ever mindful that every minion has the intellect of a genius. They’re actually super-smart. They just don’t get along with each other most of the time. And when the Minions aren’t vibing, that’s when the vast majority of their collateral damage occurs.
Who doesn’t appreciate the Minions? They’re cute, hilarious, highly resourceful, always ready for a new adventure, and able to come together on one accord when circumstances call for that.
It’s true that the movie “Minions” will open this weekend at the domestic and global box offices. The film will surely make a ton of money during its theatrical run. I certainly plan to see “Minions.” Here is the film’s synopsis according to imdb.com (Internet Movie Database): “Evolving from single-celled yellow organisms at the dawn of time, Minions live to serve, but find themselves working for a continual series of unsuccessful masters, from T. Rex to Napoleon. Without a master to grovel for, the Minions fall into a deep depression. But one minion, Kevin, has a plan; accompanied by his pals Stuart and Bob, Kevin sets forth to find a new evil boss for his brethren to follow. Their search leads them to Scarlet Overkill, the world’s first-ever super-villainess.”
Scarlet Overkill is voiced by Sandra Bullock, but any of the 2016 Republican presidential candidates would have been a worthy leader for Kevin, Stuart, and Bob to follow. Dr. Ben Carson compares anything/everything he disagrees with politically to either slavery or Nazi Germany. Ted Cruz’s own Republican colleagues consider him to be evil. Donald Trump either wants world domination or a check with a lot of zeroes – whichever comes first. Chris Christie is politically delusional – and has the personal charisma of aluminum foil in a microwave. Lindsay Graham is too cynical to be president. In spite of a $100 million war chest, name recognition, and gravitas, Jeb Bush remains inexplicably unprepared to answer the questions he knows are coming. Bobby Jindal is a legend in his own mirror. Mike Huckabee can’t leave well enough alone. While I’m certain Carly Fiorina is making a point by running for president, I don’t know what that point is. Frankly, neither do you. Rand Paul has the unenviable trifecta of [1] having agreed with President Obama publicly one time too many, [2] advocating for prison sentencing reform, and [3] having the propensity of calling out his Republican foes one by one.
Meanwhile, Scott Walker repeatedly questions whether or not Republicans in Congress have, ahem, intestinal fortitude. Rick Santorum wants enormous government – whether he’s aware of that or not. Rick Perry’s new professorial makeover cannot wash away the stain or the stench of his abysmal 2012 run for the Oval Office. George Pataki’s name alone suggests someone who should not be ignored. By the time John Kasich announces his intention to enter the 2016 race, it will probably already be too late for him to gain traction. I’m not sure which Marco Rubio hates more: Obamacare, the US normalizing relations with Cuba, or job creation in America. Jim Gilmore plans to leave his conservative Washington, D.C. think tank to launch his own presidential campaign in August. The Minions must be chomping at the bit. So many choices, so little time.
Of course, there are differences between the Minions and the 2016 GOPers. The Minions wear overalls because they actually work. The Minions pride themselves on finding solutions to problems. They’re all about job creation, infrastructure, and a path to citizenship. Their Republican counterparts? Not so much.
The GOP feels borrowed and through. Stuart, Bob, Kevin, and the gang are fresh and new. I prefer the Minions. When I say Minions, I mean the animated ones – not their conservative, human counterparts. Just so we’re clear.
